The King, The Queen, and some Toilet Paper
by deadelephant
Summary: Niwa sets off on a romantic quest to win his Queen's heart, and encounters some toilet paper...


**The King, The Queen, and some Toilet Paper**

One fine Sunday morning, the King woke up. Unfortunately, he happened to wake up in the middle of the naughtiest bit of a naughty dream about the Queen. Feeling incredibly dirty, he made his way to the toilet to wash up. Still, he did not feel quite satisfied for, as was previously mentioned, he had awakened _in the middle _of the naughtiest bit of a naughty dream about the Queen. With kingly hauteur, he decided that royal discontent demanded immediate alleviation. And hence he marched, his upholstered frame creating a ten metre radius of magnificence and awe, straight toward the treasury wherein his treasure lay.

His Queen was already awake, however, and sipping tea on a couch with queenly delicacy. Some social manoeuvring was therefore needed. Yet there sat the Queen, gorgeous and fine, with his peach silver ringlets glowing in luxuriant cascades, teasing into his face and over his decadent eyelashes. There he was, just as he had been in his dream – well, other than a few details such as the clothes, which had not been present, and the legs, which were spread somewhat more widely apart.

"Good morning!" he greeted lustily.

The Queen barely deigned to respond, and merely glanced sidelong with languid emerald eyes at the intruder.

The King was nonetheless full of confidence, as all Kings generally were, and so he sat himself down on the couch an inch apart from his Queen – and helped himself.

"No _touching_!!" the Queen squawked, breaking his composed demeanour in alarm at the sight of the dirty acquisitive hands of the King.

"It is just tea," protested the King.

"It is tea – in a ten thousand dollar porcelain cup I bought at an auction. _Don't you dare touch it with your filthy paws!!_" And, under his emerald glare, the filthy paws retreated accordingly – and found their way around his shoulders.

As royal discontent demanded immediate alleviation, Kaoru appeased his anger with a resounding bitch-slap across the King's right cheek.

Niwa howled in protest –

"But Kaoru, you don't cost ten thousand dollars!" – for which he was awarded with another slap across his left cheek.

The Queen detached himself from the King's weakened grasp and pulled his tea tray closer to himself, downing two cups of tea to calm his anger. His cheeks were now a soft pink, rouged with indignation.

Niwa, who presently recovered from the unexplained slaps, was reminded of the glow on Kaoru's cheeks in his dream when he was licking his belly. Beaming with lust, he inched himself closer to Kaoru, who was eyeing him nervously as if he were an unpredictable cockroach that might leap hazardously into the air any moment. He took another tea to calm himself.

The King laughed a hearty royal laugh and said, hands raised to indicate innocence, "I'll go wash my hands first."

His temporary absence was of little relief to the Queen. I'll go wash my hands _first_, he had said, leaving Kaoru to fret over what was to come _after _the washing was done. Fearing for his porcelain cups and his porcelain self, he quickly finished the entire teapot of Earl Grey to ensure that the King had no reason to touch his cups, and also to calm himself down as a form of preparatory defence against the rapacious hands of the King.

Whilst the Queen was thus occupied with anxious thoughts, the King was beaming at himself in the mirror, thinking how charming and debonair he looked. His confidence _was _nonetheless slightly shaken by the Queen's indifference to broad smiles, handsome features and hard muscles. And so he thought of a plan, and , being rather clever – as all students were at the Bell Liberty Academy – he knew that he had to be _romantic_ – _that _was what women liked, and, though his Queen was, technically speaking, not a woman, he convinced himself that Kaoru was only a man starting from somewhere around the hips to somewhere along the thighs – and on the front side only, most certainly – that made him about 2-5 a man and 95-98 a woman, depending of course on size. Since he was clever and preferred math to biology, Kaoru to boobs and sex to extended reasoning, he concluded that the Queen was more a manly woman than a womanly man, mathematically speaking.

And so he had to think of something romantic to say. This did not come easily to him however, as he was better at math than at literature. Finally he chanced a glimpse at a roll of toilet paper and inspiration struck. In his happy anticipation of romantic love he forgot to wash his hands and sprung out of the toilet like a panther coiled up for sex (well, no one blamed Archimedes when he sprang out _naked _from his bathtub).

"Kaoru," he announced, arms motioning to embrace. The Queen retreated promptly; the King advanced. Kaoru was caught back against the wall, arms folded across his chest, and head tilted at an angle of royal discontent. Niwa's palms were pressed to the wall on either side of Kaoru's head. A leonine smile emerged on the King's face as he leant forward, rhapsodising into Kaoru's lips –

"Kaoru, you are like toilet paper:

You drink a lot of tea – super absorbent! – like toilet paper.

You are both soft and strong too, the way good toilet paper is.

I can't live without you, and –

I like the feel of having you around my butt."

To Niwa's surprise, however, his romantic words failed to impress – Kaoru, forsaking queenly dignity, decided that a hard punch into the face was necessary. Thereafter he left the treasury room, leaving the unfortunate King to suffer the long lasting aches of romantic love.


End file.
